recently, i’ve decided to become celibate. i’ve been off & on with the same guy for over a year but i’m over this casual sex. my personal decision to do this has come from the condition in which my relationship is now in. after this long, i’m just tired. i don’t think i’m going to give up but i’m just ready to concentrate on me for awhile and with that comes making sacrifices. i need a break from being tied down to someone. i’ve always had a boyfriend and at this point i’m just beyond the titles and what not. i’d rather mingle, but not just let him go either. i may have a few phases but that’s it. i’ve always been controlled while i was with someone and that’s not acceptable. like whoever the “he” may be at that given time, it’s like he’s my only friend and yea, part of that is my fault but the fact of the matter now is that i’m exhausted. then sex keeps emotional baggage in the picture. i can’t anymore. this attachment is unhealthy and when it starts to be the foundation of the relationship, that’s a major issue.

opening the door for me, letting me win and offering to pay for me are all things that in my book get two thumbs up. 

you, you, you. you do it all. you make me smile without even trying. you do something to me just at the sight of your face & it’s weird because you came like that in the package - it just took me a while to see. it’s always been there. you look at me like i’m not just any regular girl and you say all the right words and it’s not just to fill my ear. it’s because you mean it. i’ve grown very fond of you and it all happened so fast. we have a love hate relationship, but for some reason it’s not worth letting go. i’m holding on b’cos it’s worth it and i see that. you make my heart blush in so many ways. i wonder have you treated every girl like this or am i just special? i get happy when we text or talk on the phone. when i see you it never gets old. you’re spontaneity excites me. you’ve been there for me when i needed someone the most and not because you had to but ‘cause you wanted to be. you pay me compliments with the most subliminal gestures. i’m comfortable with you. i’m bipolar too. one moment i’m this then i’m that but you soak it all in. you absorb it and deal with it the best you know how. you rarely apologize but when you do, it makes me warm inside. you’re everything nobody else has been, thank you.

i’m absolutely terrified of death and what comes after. i know we all die but it scares me not knowing what will come next. plus it gives me chills thinking about how i will die.

i haven’t fully decided yet but i want to go overseas once and actually do something for the children mainly because they lack the things that i take for granted. i think i can manage that in the two-year “tour”. my cousin & i were talking one day about toms. she got me into them and i asked her how many pair did she have. she told me she didn’t wear them anymore because she felt like she could do more for people in africa versus just buying shoes. it opened up my eyes but i still feel like i make a difference even if it’s tiny. some people believe that the proceeds and such don’t really benefit those people but i do and nothing’s going to sway me from that. however, i’ve always wanted to go on like a mission trip. i usually don’t post things like this because i’m afraid people will judge me but hey whatever.